A few quickies for you

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
....................................................................................

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
.........................................................................................
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!
.......................................................................................
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
..........................................................................................
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
...........................................................................................
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
..........................................................................................
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
..........................................................................................
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her bathroom scales.
...........................................................................................
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
............................................................................................
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!
...........................................................................................
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
.......................................................................................
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
........................................................................................
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ –
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
.........................................................................................


I'll get my coat